Alright, my review of Casino Royale.... the 1967 spoof version, sadly; this is one of the most infamous films of all time.

The Nostalgia Critic once said to review a bad comedy is one of the toughest things to do (and so is making a comedy) because you can only go, "That isn't funny", so many times before you get up and leave the theater. This movie is one of the worst examples of comedy, and they had the cajones to soil James Bond while they were at it. 

First things first; before I get into the review, I have to give this movie a special stance called [[Echo Synth]] THE WAGGING FINGER OF SHAME [[end echo mod]]. If you watched Ebert & Roeper's review of the 2005 remake of The Amityville Horror, you would know that they awarded this to movies that the studios were too embarrassed to screen in advance for film critics. The 1967 Casino Royale was not screened for critics.

Anyway, the opening theme to the movie IS pretty catchy, but some of the music does feel inappropriate.

The opening scene of the movie feels disjointed, and the scenes in the castle feel even worse with overheavy accents, bad dancing, and pointless scenes until everyone starts falling down. Are they dead or unconscious? Who cares? And even that has no point.

Bond is one of the most famous womanizers in every other movie, but this spoof turned him into an old prude and drastically altered his character. This is James Bond in name only; even Austin Powers makes a better 007 that this one does, and that's saying a lot.

It only gets worse. The villain group, a take on SMERSH, has a cheesy battle map with a guy running the place named Dr. Noah, who turns out to be Bond's nephew, Jimmy, a character played by the not-British Woody Allen when the real Bond and the top impostor are played by Pink Panther's David Niven and Peter Sellers, and this is a character that's only mentioned once prior to his reveal at the end of the movie. SMERSH is behind everything, which leads to Sir James Bond taking over MI6 and the heavily-accented people who run it, and hiring a bunch of impostors, including his illegitimate daughter, whose mother is Mata Hari, the World War spy. She has a good intro scene, but that's it.

Her mission in Berlin is where if you were taking the movie seriously up to that point, you stop here, because the bidding scene didn't seem to have much purpose, or any they made clear. The main impostor Bond, Evelyn Tremble, gets himself into Casino Royale and his game with the only major villain from the book, Le Chiffe, played by Orson Welles, the second horror vet to take the role after Peter Lorre did in an early 50's TV movie. This version of the character is a way-too affable magician and not a spy, Soviet or SMERSH agent, or even a good gambler; he's cheating, and while we do know how he's cheating, it's not used against him, and he and the fake Bond are killed in his little "torture machine" which Tex Avery uses.

Eventually, the bad guys kidnap Bond's daughter, bringing the real Bond to the casino and into SMERSH's headquarters; Jimmy Bond is poisoned with a pill that will blow the place sky high at this point, and, while the good guys do get the right idea of actually leaving, a brawl that turns the casino into a ridiculous and childish Cowboys and Indians game just. Stops. Them. Cue Jim burping 400 times, cue the building blowing up and wiping out the cast. The world is saved, but that's an anti climatic and ridiculous way to end the whole thing.

This movie is filled with all the cliches of the Bond series (after only 4 films with a 5th to follow in 2 months, at that) played badly. And I just remembered, M supposedly died at the beginning, but this movie is written so badly, they never explain it and thought to trust us to take their word for it. There are several other bad explanations, and a lot of the conversations have no emotion to them. As for the pacing and feel, the movie starts very slow, and just devolves into an insane concoction of action right out of Tex Avery. Makes you wonder what drugs the makers were doing. I wasn't expecting much, but if you're going to use Bond, do something that's not a poor-man's version of Pink Panther. The special effects are bad, some things in the film, like the U.F.O., were not dealt with in a manner to where we're supposed to laugh or take it seriously, and the dialogue can be laughable. It says a lot when the Austin Powers movies can show more emotion and, for their ridiculous plots, be more believable.

There are two good things about this film. The title track from Herb Albert is pretty catchy, and I kinda liked the scene with the introduction of Bond's daughter, Mata Bond. There was some good to decent choreography there. The rest of the film is a Frankenstein's Monster patchwork of scenes, and one thing that should tip you off to this being bad: there are 5 directors credited. Outside of the music, I really can't remember much; this version of Casino Royale is sadly an enjoyment-free dead zone, and it convinced the guys behind the real James Bond series to fight hard against something like this happening again, which set the stage for some nasty legal work that was only settled for good two years ago. This movie's from 1967; my father was in high school.

I cannot recommend this one at all; it makes no sense, and it's shoddily edited and directed. It's a very poor version of one of the Roger Moore films, and those are still somewhat competent. THIS is one of the biggest turkeys ever crafted in Hollywood, and I just know, when The Nostalgia Critic gets to Bond movies, which I see happening with a new one coming in November, this movie will be one of the movies he reviews.

Cocktail movie review

This is an old movie; it's from 1988, the year I was born, but it's not a goodie....

Okay, my first instincts on Cocktail is it does have a good soundtrack going into the movie. It's typical teenage behavior, and a reunion that could use more of an emotional connection. And, so, it has a decent vibe going in, and I like Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown's energy. But I do feel it's hohum until we get to that job interview and first bartending scenes, where we get one of those cliches that really doesn't work unless it's a full-blown comedy (Hint: Clip-show mind screw). Last I checked, Cocktail is a love story.

A lot of the character interactions seems awkward to me. The drunk walk is one of those examples.

Bad poem in the "Cell Block". Too narmy and nonsensical.

The movie is rather uneventful, being really only a music video for the accompanying soundtrack and maybe a travel brochure for Jamaica. I think there is a little bit of tension when the baby is mentioned, but I didn't really feel like sitting through the whole movie.

Now there was a small second-run movie palace in Houston called Bel Air, like the ritzy neighborhood in Hollywood, that had a bar with windows into one of the auditoriums. If I were an adult in 1988/1989, and I went into the bar before going to the box office, and I saw Cocktail playing behind the glass, well, good news! It was a free showing! You would NOT be missing out on watching the movie without sound from the Bel Air's bar, because there's nothing going on. I can get more entertainment talking to the theater's barman. Too bad they don't make movie theaters like that anymore as a safety net for other bad movies.

The only good thing about Cocktail IS the soundtrack, and this movie was the debut of the only post "Good Vibrations" big hit from The Beach Boys, which was "Kokomo". That song and the songs in the soundtrack are classic, and you do need to buy this movie to hear the soundtrack.

I only did this one because I played barkeep in New Mexico, and I felt it would be appropriate. Well, I've got a review for one of the lamest 80's films (and the Worst Picture 1988 Razzie winner as I discovered) under my belt, so there's an accomplishment. If you wanna argue the point, this movie may help pretraining for any aspiring bartenders (there's fun in catering at parties, which I'd rather do over watching this movie.).

There is good news. Disney and Touchstone had a considerably better choice in moviemaking with Roger Rabbit the same year. Spend your money on that.


http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1004420-cocktail/

My review for Pizzeria Luca in Albuquerque, NM

Here's an underdog

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g60933-d2419570-Reviews-Pizzeria_Luca_and_Wine_Bar-Albuquerque_New_Mexico.html

I didn't physically visit this restaurant; my father brought back dinner. I actually really loved the fettuccine Alfredo. It was very creamy, very buttery, and the chicken was cooked well. I didn't have any of the pizza, but the pasta made this restaurant grow on me. Next time I'm in Albuquerque, I'll check the place out myself.

My Tripadvisor review for Honey's in Brownfield, Texas.

Oooh, boy. Here comes the storm:

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g55538-d5422068-Reviews-Honey_s-Brownfield_Texas.html

We ate here on the way to Albuquerque, and it took them an hour to get our food out, which is not acceptable on a road trip. The food was also overcooked and dry too. Go to the BBQ joint across the street.

Yeah, in the words of Gordon Ramsay, for my pork sandwich, all I can say is, "It's drrrryyyyy."

Having to wait an hour for our food when we are on a 10 to 12 hour drive and then getting mediocre food is unacceptable. Even Whataburger is better because it's more convenient.

My Tripadvisor review for Antiquity Restaurant in Albuquerque, NM.

I ate here again last night, and it's still good. I like their warm bread and the warm hospitality, and their soup.

I got a Chateaubriand to split with one of my friends, and it was very good. Nice and tender, with a good au jus. I also liked the potatoes that came with it.

I said it before, I'll say it again, this is not a restaurant to miss in Albuquerque.

http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g60933-d444201-r299061768-Antiquity_Restaurant-Albuquerque_New_Mexico.html#

My Tripadvisor review for Padilla's Mexican Kitchen in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

This joint is absolutely delicious. There's not much in the decor, but there really doesn't need to be. If I had to advise a dish to go with, get one of the sopapilla dishes with the chiles. You can use honey to cut down on the spice, thankfully.

And on that note, the sopapillas here are the best. Just keep in mind, there can be a long line for lunch. When I came here on my last visit, the line was almost out the door. A few minutes in, and we get some mighty-fine New Mexican food. 

Tip: For chile dishes, order "Christmas" to get both red and green. Hard for me to figure out which one's my favorite.

This is one of those places you need to eat at when you make it to New Mexico.

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g60933-d444205-Reviews-Padilla_s_Mexican_Kitchen-Albuquerque_New_Mexico.html